4/27/14 WEWRIWA

Hi gang and welcome to our terrific Sunday’s where we get to read and leave comments on eight sentences written by talented writers.Charmaine -10 sATURATED_pp -72

To catch you up on my WIP, She Never Said Yes, this eight is when Joy and Danny go to her club dinner dance. Kid brother, Gary snaps away with the Brownie camera until they escape; Joy in a red taffeta off-the-shoulder dress, Danny wearing a dark blue suit. He’s given her an orchid wristlet corsage.

Eight with a possibility of creative punctuation. Hmm.

“Nice of your Dad to loan you his Studebaker,” I touched his hand and he almost shifted into the wrong gear by mistake probably because I talked too much.
Excitement grew when Danny helped me out of the car, my taffeta dress making a swishing sound when we walked holding hands

On the dance floor, we fit together as I followed Danny’s lead jitterbugging all over, the big senior so confident who didn’t know anyone there except for me, a fifteen and a half year old sophomore.

Hours later in the car I wondered if he expected to neck or do stuff like privileges when all of a sudden Danny hummed the music from a popular song, “It’s Magic,” we sang together our voices blending, “You sigh, a song begins; you speak and I hear violins, It’s Magic.”

He pulled up behind Father’s fancy black Chrysler and as soon as he shut off the motor, I jumped out of the car before he came around to open the door.

“Don’t be nervous, I really want to kiss you goodnight and I promise not to bite,” he touched my lips and shook his head, “nope, you’ve got them pressed so tight together not even a crow bar could pry them apart so loosen up, Bearhugger, I won’t hurt you.”

Just for an instant, when he called me that funny name, my lips did soften and Danny moved in fast to plant a soft kiss; then dazed by a strange feeling, I drifted up the steps to the front door with his arm around my waist, I heard him say, “Goodnight, my girl, I’ll wait until I hear the lock click and you’re safe inside.”

Holding onto the railing all the way to my room, I had a belly ache way down low and thought, If this is what a kiss does, I won’t kiss anyone again. Ever.

 

Try out for new pic. Comments, anyone?

for more snippets from talented writers:

http://www.wewriwa.com

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41 thoughts on “4/27/14 WEWRIWA

  1. The young innocence is so real in this passage. I love the visual of her holding the railing all the way to her room. Nicely done.

  2. Agreed, this excerpt hits the ambiance of the characters’ ages and the decade spot on.

    And I like the new pic! Your expression has a hint of mystery. Love that.

  3. Charmaine, the innocence portrayed here is beyond cute. One thing I noticed last week and this week though is the massive use of run-ons. If I came across this piece as my first introduction to your writing and knew nothing about you, I’d be turned off as a reader. It seems like 20 sentences were mashed into eight. You are a talented author, I think your creative punctuation doesn’t allow you to shine. Just my humble opinion.

      • It’s so easy to do. I think you’ll find if you stick to your eight, the way you originally write them, you’ll find moments that leave the reader hanging. Then, we’ll all be anticipating what happens next, and drooling for more. And, if someone just happens across your blog, they’ll see the stellar writer you are and be blown away!

  4. Hehe. Poor thing isn’t quite aware of what that ache is yet, but I have a feeling her kissing days are far from done. I love the way he handled it, and the sweet innocence of the scene. Beautiful 8.

  5. I love how you captured her nervous excitement. Have to agree with Millie on the run-ons. They took me out of the scene as I was reading. I don’t mind being left hanging a bit. You covey the scene fully without having to add in the extra. 🙂

    • I agree with Millie. Out-of-control here in Pearl River, NY.and I won’t do it again. Maybe it’s pressure to finish the book or more likely it’s me. Read and reread before posting as I turn over a new leaf. Thanks, Maggie.

  6. This is a sweet snippet, Charmaine. All the innocence came through, and the candid, youthful thoughts. I adored this: “…I promise not to bite.” Ha! And I like that in your intro you mentioned the Brownie camera! I remember my mom’s. And the orchid–when I was growing up that was THE flower for a corsage! 🙂

    • Do you think the wonder of all the innocence will be an antique to be recalled only in memoirs? Grandchildren think virginity is a relic from the dark ages. Even my own kids thought it was stupid. Thanks, Teresa. I sent an email to admin with an apology for run-ons. I promise to behave. Must set a good example for the young-uns.

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