7/19/15 WEWRIWA

Summer time and the living is easy. Hi Gang. We’re enjoying some great weather the past week in my part of the North East not  far from NYC. Daughter’s even planning trip to our fave, Long  Beach Island, the Jersey shore. I’ve written some fun, delightful stories vacationing down there.

Meanwhile, thanks again for the exceptional critique every week. When Double Becomes Single is just about finished. With your help, I hope it will do well.

excerpt:

She parked then stumbled toward the hospital entrance to hurry to the third floor. The empty elevator suited her, a ghost town so late at night, dim lit and quiet. Something triggered an impulse to RUN. Down the hall she ran to Barry’s room, hip throbbing, where outside in the hall Doctor Mac Bloom paced. He stopped her from rushing in.
“Sharon, he’s had a heart attack, a bad one. There was nothing we could do to save him.”
She shook her head; snowflakes captured in her blond hair fell to the floor leaving damp puddles. “What do you mean, Mac, you always fix everything; you’re the one. . .” She grabbed his white coat and cried, “You’re saying Barry’s gone, he’s dead?”483903_3560363004157_284637259_nFor more snippets from talented writers:

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45 thoughts on “7/19/15 WEWRIWA

  1. A very emotional scene, lots of desperation as she ran in, and the impulse to deny the doctor’s sad pronouncement. Well done.

  2. oh my…how sad. I could picture it. I could see the doctor telling my mother that my dad didn’t make it. Sheesh–you’ve really tugged at the heart with this one, Charmaine.

    Yay for your beach getaway! I’ve been to the Jersey Shore–Wildwood and Cap May. Beautiful. Enjoy!

  3. What a heart-breaking snippet, Charmaine. I could feel her desperation as she ran in and was told the news. Happy to be reading you again even if the snippet is tragic. Enjoy the good weather!

  4. Chilling scene! What a tragedy. Great work though and I also might add, I’m loving your picture updates weekly! Great shot, enjoy the weather while we have it! We hit 103 yesterday, expecting a big cool down today, perhaps to the 70’s. 🙂

  5. It’s a heart wrenching scene. Every wife’s worst nightmare.

    I’d like to make a couple of small suggestions. First, the sentence: “he’s had a heart attack, a bad one,” implies that he is still living (although possibly hanging on by a thread). “He’s–has has” is present tense, which is how you talk about people when they’re still alive. People typically say someone had a bad heart attack when they had one, but are still living.

    So, I would recommend changing “he’s” to “he had” and deleting the bad one part. You could say, He had a massive heart attack, or he had a fatal attack.

    Since the doctor is their friend (?), I would almost think the first words out of his mouth would be, “I’m sorry.”

    Just my two cents.

  6. An emotional scene very well portrayed. We knew what was coming, but it still grabbed me by the throat.
    My one suggestion would be to lose the snowflakes. Not sure if in her current state of mind she’d notice what captured in her hair falls to the floor. Just a thought!

  7. Oh, poor Sharon. My heart breaks for her. I agree with Cara’s suggestion and I think that’s excellent advice. No need to give the woman false hope. But good grief, I sure could use some if I was in her shoes. Wonderful job portraying her emotions.

    Love the pic you shared! Hope you and your girls have a fabulous time together! 🙂

  8. I liked how you commented on things being ‘a ghost town’, the urge to run (when it was probably already too late)… Other than Cara’s suggestions, I don’t see much to tweak. I’m not so sure that the doctor wouldn’t have already called in someone to help with grief management though…

      • Ah… the immediacy of the tone made me forget that this was a bit of a flashback to a past event in the story. Now most any hospital seems to have on-call counseling services or at least social workers who can be there…

        My condolences… belated as they are, Charmaine.

  9. Dear V, we’ve come a long way since the horror of that moment. How did we ever survive? But we did. I had a compulsion to write this story so on I wrote. It’s mostly fiction but there are moments when I stopped to let the tears fall after so long a time.

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