Summer time and the living is easy. Hi Gang. We’re enjoying some great weather the past week in my part of the North East not far from NYC. Daughter’s even planning trip to our fave, Long Beach Island, the Jersey shore. I’ve written some fun, delightful stories vacationing down there.
Meanwhile, thanks again for the exceptional critique every week. When Double Becomes Single is just about finished. With your help, I hope it will do well.
excerpt:
She parked then stumbled toward the hospital entrance to hurry to the third floor. The empty elevator suited her, a ghost town so late at night, dim lit and quiet. Something triggered an impulse to RUN. Down the hall she ran to Barry’s room, hip throbbing, where outside in the hall Doctor Mac Bloom paced. He stopped her from rushing in.
“Sharon, he’s had a heart attack, a bad one. There was nothing we could do to save him.”
She shook her head; snowflakes captured in her blond hair fell to the floor leaving damp puddles. “What do you mean, Mac, you always fix everything; you’re the one. . .” She grabbed his white coat and cried, “You’re saying Barry’s gone, he’s dead?”
For more snippets from talented writers:
Author Charmaine Gordon 
A very emotional scene, lots of desperation as she ran in, and the impulse to deny the doctor’s sad pronouncement. Well done.
Chelle, thanks. I just used Cara’s suggestions. Sometimes writing too fast while juggling life makes you nuts! and careless.
oh my…how sad. I could picture it. I could see the doctor telling my mother that my dad didn’t make it. Sheesh–you’ve really tugged at the heart with this one, Charmaine.
Yay for your beach getaway! I’ve been to the Jersey Shore–Wildwood and Cap May. Beautiful. Enjoy!
Teresa, we all share a common grief. Maybe that’s the reason I wrote When Double Becomes SIngle. Love to you, my friend.
What a heart-breaking snippet, Charmaine. I could feel her desperation as she ran in and was told the news. Happy to be reading you again even if the snippet is tragic. Enjoy the good weather!
Elyzabeth, you’re a sweetheart. Don’t let anyone get in your way.
I felt breathless and then hopeless right along with her. So sad. 😦
And now she must learn how to be single. And she will, step by treacherous step. Thanks, Christina
Very emotional scene.
Hi Michelle, thanks for stopping by to leave a comment.
Chilling scene! What a tragedy. Great work though and I also might add, I’m loving your picture updates weekly! Great shot, enjoy the weather while we have it! We hit 103 yesterday, expecting a big cool down today, perhaps to the 70’s. 🙂
Neva, you are a pal. Oh Chicago with the big bad weather changes.
It’s a heart wrenching scene. Every wife’s worst nightmare.
I’d like to make a couple of small suggestions. First, the sentence: “he’s had a heart attack, a bad one,” implies that he is still living (although possibly hanging on by a thread). “He’s–has has” is present tense, which is how you talk about people when they’re still alive. People typically say someone had a bad heart attack when they had one, but are still living.
So, I would recommend changing “he’s” to “he had” and deleting the bad one part. You could say, He had a massive heart attack, or he had a fatal attack.
Since the doctor is their friend (?), I would almost think the first words out of his mouth would be, “I’m sorry.”
Just my two cents.
Cara, your two cents are gold to me.
An emotional scene very well portrayed. We knew what was coming, but it still grabbed me by the throat.
My one suggestion would be to lose the snowflakes. Not sure if in her current state of mind she’d notice what captured in her hair falls to the floor. Just a thought!
Your thoughts are valuable, Tina. I’ll keep this one in mind.
Shocker, thought he’d be on the way out, but not gone. Poor Sharon!
She becomes, in an instance, a widow. Single and bereft not knowing where to go, what to do.
Oh, poor Sharon. My heart breaks for her. I agree with Cara’s suggestion and I think that’s excellent advice. No need to give the woman false hope. But good grief, I sure could use some if I was in her shoes. Wonderful job portraying her emotions.
Love the pic you shared! Hope you and your girls have a fabulous time together! 🙂
It’s survive and thrive time for Sharon Michaels. She has a long way to go. Been there, done that. Thanks, Evelyn.
very emotional scene. I agree with everyone. Panic and fear are captured in these few lines
Michelle, thanks and now she moves on step by baby step.
I liked how you commented on things being ‘a ghost town’, the urge to run (when it was probably already too late)… Other than Cara’s suggestions, I don’t see much to tweak. I’m not so sure that the doctor wouldn’t have already called in someone to help with grief management though…
No grief management back then from the family doc. She’s basically on her own. I wrote from personal experience . thanks, Eden.
Ah… the immediacy of the tone made me forget that this was a bit of a flashback to a past event in the story. Now most any hospital seems to have on-call counseling services or at least social workers who can be there…
My condolences… belated as they are, Charmaine.
Oh no! So much emotion. Very nice but so heartwrenching.
And now what happens next?
You really captured the ominous feel of the late-night hospital. Her urge to run was totally understandable even while pointless. Very effective snippet.
Yes, You run the pointless race to nowhere. Nothing helps as you hold cooling hand.
My heart goes out to her. What a heart wrenching scene.
May your life be long and happy , my friend.
Sniff. Wow, heartwrenching scene!
Hi new friend, thanks for stopping by.Tune in next week for more sniffs.
Been there, experienced that. Very realistic…as always, you do a wonderful job creating the scene and the emotion!
Dear V, we’ve come a long way since the horror of that moment. How did we ever survive? But we did. I had a compulsion to write this story so on I wrote. It’s mostly fiction but there are moments when I stopped to let the tears fall after so long a time.
And there it is. Expected, but so heartwrenching!
Widowed, she faces a whole new world after the happiest sheltered life with Barry. Sharon is in for a big surprise on her own.
That gives me cold chills.Those are words no wife want to hear.
Sorry Elaine. It’s life and yes it’s personal. I, like Sharon my fictional character, was lst until I relized I had to do something to get control of my life and I did.
Just like that. Now what will she do?
Please tune in next week, my friend.
Wow,very charged scene! Wonderful showing of that MOMENT when reality takes hold. Tingles!!!! What will she do next week?
Two choices, Sara; come over for a drink or stop by next week. Your choice. I’d love to meet you in person.
Death of a life partner is half-death for the one left behind. You told it as it is. Well done.
I never thought about death that way in the struggle to keep my head up. Thanks, Gem Another perspective to keep in mind as I write.